no, i can't!

despite the trend of posting all those motivational, inspiring quotes and words of wisdom in several social media, i expierience widespread thoughts of discontent, plus the belief to be incapable of changing something about the own situation at the same time. too often many of us tend to see themselves as powerless victims of circumstances.  

Photo by Shane Aldendorff on Unsplash

the good news is: this does not apply as often than we might think. the only half as good news is: you need to get your ass up yourself!

here it already begins with you - you have to make a decision: change it or leave it. is a situation worth struggling? or does it seem unpromising to waste time and energy with it after weighing both sides accurately? choosing the second way, means choosing to stop wasting time and energy being annoyed about it. it depends on you. 

the majority of dissatisfying conditions can be navigated by our own, even when we cannot change every situation, often it is up to us, to choose how to deal with it. 

  - we might not be powerless victims of circumstances as often as we think.

the key tool for this to me is honesty. honesty, especially towards yourself. to make decisions to come to a result you want, you first have to know, what you actually want. you have to truly know yourself and your needs, to listen to your gut feeling. being honest to oneself means, being able to reflect about oneself neutrally (without assumptions, assessment or justifications). reflecting things objectively, both positive and negative aspects, without getting (too) emotional helps to keep track of a situation and about who and how you really are. we can draw possible conclusions and decisions based on that compiled information. by (re)acting accordingly, we gain experiences, and develop a feeling for our needs. we built selftrust - the second key tool for becoming selfreliant and take on responsibility. 

only when you know what you want, you can develope strength of will. so this to me is only the second essential quality - and the harder part. like it's in the word, it requires strength. not everybody would call oneself strong, but, if you are dissatisfied with anything, do yourself a favour and start trying to become it little by little. baby steps count! Just saying "i can't" means "i don't want to"! Not even trying does not count - otherwise, the situation you are unhappy with it can't be so bad at all. 

If you do not know where to start or you feel unable to get out alone, feel welcome to seek for help. supposed pride isn't appropriate here - not every problem can be solved on ones own. its quite natural and surely nobody gets along only as single player. so, contact your family, friends or if required even mental health professionals. there is nothing to feel bad or weak about. 

the only things weak are hiding from problems (means hiding from oneself), finding excuses, not leaving an unpleasant situation, yet going on complaining. expecting change without showing any sign of changing oneself. for some extreme cases i would say that this behavior even verges on ignorance or some people are happy being unhappy. 

- honesty and selftrust - the key tools to become self-reliant.

for those who truly want to allow changes to happen it can be possible. like we know the concept of training the body similarly we can train the mind. or better said when following the goal of a welltrained body what we actually do is training our mind: to be consistent and holding on the workouts and the diet. so there are not many differences between going for an athletic body or for a self-reliant mindset.

number one enemy which has to be taken off the agenda: excuses!

excuses are multifaceted, omnipresent, yet so inconspicuous that they aren't revealed as such often enough. but also they are comfortable, easy, by looking for scapegoats, by telling you there's nothing you can do, by handing over your responsibility. but did you ever question how valid they really are? 

most excuses translated mean: "it does not work, because... it just does not work" or "i could not do anything about it, because...i just couldn't." 

with some simple questions you can expose excuses easily. everytime you come to the conclusion that you "can't" do anything, or something "won't work" anyway, try to ask "how can i?" or "what can I do that it will work?" feel free to imagine differing scenarios and solutions - even if they might seem unrealistic first. maybe by taking a closer look they are easier to achieve than you thought? maybe it just needs some time for some investigation into an option, to make yourself a realistic, managable plan. at last it requires your confidence and courage in any case.

like i said before about strength, fortunately also both of these are not default properties. they can be developed by practise. and it is so important to just start anywhere, whenever you want to reach a goal that matters to you. do not be afraid of trying. do not expect too much - everything needs time and not everything works with the first attempt.

I guess a big problem is the own expectation and self-perception. many of us might feel intimidated by an imagination of perfection. by the idea, that success is given, for it looks so easy for others to reach it. it is usually forgotten, how these "other people" got there. (or intentionally overseen - to have another excuse, a proof: "what works for them just does not work for me.")

most successful people (no, not the "rich and famous", but those who get their shit together and live a balanced life) just work for it and learned to believe in theirselves. 

although it sounds like a flat phrase; everyone have started off small - so let go off all your inner voices, everything that holds you back. dare to leave your comfortzone and try something. stop whining, start doing. don't be afraid of failure. it is natural. you can learn and rise from it. embrace losses, too. 

practising and adopting this attitude depends on you. 

"- it does not work, because... it just does not work"

figure out and cut out excuses!

ban negative doctrines. did you ever experience that when you start something with pessimistic assumptions they fulfilled themselves? it seems fairly inevitable that something will go wrong when you are completely convinced that it will. so stop degrading yourself. stop pity yourself.

the major weakness is the belief to be weak. don't ever let someone tell you that! you and your choices should never depend on what others say or do. do not hold on to stereotypes which pretend you would not have a choice. do not seek your happiness in anyone else than you, you are not dependent on others. 

figure out, what actually causes your misery. often we just see the problem and a whole network of reasons: maybe the society, the overall structures in the workplace or the environment or something like that. in any case a bigger power that we seem to have no weapons to conquer,towards that we feel powerless. but if we take a closer look and decrypt all of the factors that take their part to drag us down, maybe a concrete one turns out to be the crucial factor. 

and here is, where honesty plays is part again: maybe it is clear; toxic behavior of a person or a bad habit is the main cause of our dissatisfaction. at this point is where we most prentend to be blind, when the person is a one we love or the habit is a one that's comfortable. then we start to play down this real reasons and seek bigger circumstances to blame. why? because it is easy! it is easier to call society unfair, than the own partner. who wants to admit that a) their beloved ones might be mistreating them and b)they seem to be to weak to defend that. 

so better, close ones eyes, and seek any other circumstances to blame. it's socially accepted to feel like losing against a bigger system, which everyone knows to be unfair, and complaining about it.

that is a dangerous trap in my opinion and far away from self-honesty. plus i think it is not fair to protect offenders silently by relativizing their behaviour, by looking away and pretending the reasons only lay somewhere else. 

facing the truth is uncomfortable first. but it is indispensable for really seeing, understanding, and changing things and ourselves.

- don't close your eyes for toxicity coming from your immediate environment. 

at least with all this i do not mean selfoptimizing myths like "everybody is capable to do everthing they want" that is simply not true. we cannot deny that everbody got different preconditions, circumstances, needs, privileges or obstacles. nor it is my intention to make people believe that everybody's happyness solely lays in their own hands or that every feeling or situation is "their own fault". i don't want to blame. it doesn't matter whose "fault" something is. but what i really want to say is: despite of real existing injustice or inequity, there are still numberous situations we can handle! we are not only victims to external circumstances. circumstances play a part that formed our life to what it is, but also numberous decisions we ourself made (or we did not make), led us here.

so we all can train and practise to be aware of those, and speak up for ourselves every once in a while. whether we decide for changing or leaving frustrating situations.

if both of them does not work the least decision that can be made is accepting them. that means: accepting the fact that they cannot be changed, and therefore are not worth caring about anymore and getting done with them, to find peace for yourself. - not: doing nothing about it, try to suppress and ignore them although still being upset at the inside.

- make your own decision: you can!

so, get to know yourself and become a partner you can rely on. than turn your can'ts into cans and leave your comfortzone way more often, to get out of your self-imposed limitations. 

Yes, you can!