the biological clock

the ominous biological clock. - you get to hear more and more about it, when reaching the late twenties. friends get married, build houses, and have babies. - 'and when will you do?

Photo by Djim Loic on Unsplash

...actually - not at all. but that answer is accepted in the rarest of cases. 'wait, you will reach this age...' or as said before - the biological clock is mentioned. people hear your biological clock ticking louder than you do. it must sound fairly threatening.

people suddenly treat you like an immature twelve y/o teen which surely has "just a phase" when you claim you don't want to have kids. or ask in a shocked way "why?!". not to listen to your honest answer, but rather to try to refute your reasons and convince you that a life with baby is so much better and would complete you. 'but you still have a little time left to reconsider' 

since i was a teenager until the beginning of my early twenties i never asked myself if i want to have children, because i was not really aware of it being an option. it was rather an obligation and i never excluded it (in contrast to marriage, which sense i already did not see in my early teens - but that's another point). so i also cannot tell a certain point where i started to change my mind. 

but the more mature i became, the more i began to think about the world, society, the more experiences i made, and the more i became aware about my own circumstances, past, and future-goals. and the more the concept of raising a child did not fit into my imagination of my life. this was not a choice or decision, but first of all a feeling! an intuition, a gut feel that fitted. i think a multifactorial process led me towards that conclusion, which i still hold on to since over a couple of years: I do not feel the urge to have a child. And neither do I hear a sound of any clock.

i do not have "more arguments on the contra side". but i also have "little arguments on the pro side". 

i de facto grew up without a family. (which did not traumatize me, in general i enjoyed becoming self-reliant and haven't missed it being different, though sometimes it was less easy to get ot of trouble without family-support of course)

but so i just don't know this feelings many people long for, like conviviality, cohesion, being so close to each other and taking care of each other in a family-way. i don't have these needs, and there is nothing wrong about it. actually i have many negative examples which stress and trouble this family thing can cause, even ending in reproaches, disputes, violence or else. often i think that i am glad, i don't have this troubles and can do my own thing. i appreciate my self-determined and independent life and that i don't owe anyone anything. 

additionally through my experiences standing for myself alone part of my reasons also are, that i know my limits and know that i surely would not have enough energy to care for two. but that is not the main reason. it is not like hidden traumas or fears would hold me back, though my secret wish is a happy family life as a mother. 

nope. the main reason is, even if i maybe could bring up the energy (which is sooo worth it, because when your baby smiles at you everything is forgotten - like people say) - i simply do not want to.

my life fulfils me and i am simply satisfied with what i am - though that's obviously not what's expected of women.

 - no interest in reproduction over here.

the thought of being a mother is for me connected with sacrificing. like that is the way of life, you sacrifice to give new life. so first of all you sacrifice your body. nine month carrying a child, having pain, nausea, in the end the body might be deformed etc. when the baby is born you sacrifice sleep, time for yourself, (sexual) time with your partner, and for the next years you sacrifice real self-determination (a key quality for me in life), your career and the freedom of choice in some essential elements (for example you cannot just leave an unsatisfactory job when you're in need of the money). though surely nothing is impossible and no "all or nothing" thing, it is always a lot of struggle.
so i voluntarily forego. thanks, but no thanks.
some people get easily upset and find it coward or selfish. and maybe it is, but it's nobodys business. as long nobody gets harmed where is the problem with being selfish, huh? who has the right to judge about peoples decisions? and isn't it the same selfish when people just get children to be "not alone when growing old?" (which is another killer-argument of people wanting to convert you).
i don't have any interest to put some other life over my own. period.

- my life is my diamond 

i already mentioned that i do not have so much positive examples for families that makes me think "oh yeah, having a baby is a great idea". so massively bad examples are of course oldfashioned conservative people with sterotypical, misogynic idea(l)s of family life.
but even young couples who see theirselves as modern and progressive - that of course includes equality! - live the traditional roles anyway.
okay - nowadays men take obligatory two month of parental leave! and they sometimes take care of the child, too!  but all in all, care work is women's work. it is still the man who must earn money for the family, who "just cannot" take parental leave. who "just cannot" leave work to pickup an ill child from the kindergarden. who is so busy working that he cannot do the housework. okay, at least they "help around the house" - like it is still obvious: that's the women's job, and the man should be praised that he takes part. when parental leave is over and women get in job again (part time of course, because - you maybe already presage: the man just cannot negotiate a part-time-position in his job!) it is still self-evident, that the most care-work is done by the woman, and not seen relatively to the time she works in her job. it is suggested and promoted in media, society, and even in modern feminist mom's-blogs: "women are so strong, they do their job, care for the baby AND do the housework" - at least nowadays it is largely common that also women go to work and bring money home. BUT still it is silently expected that they have double (or triple) burden, and they get uncritically hailed as heroes for their engagement and how they manage all that.
it is modern to be a "working mom". but what does this term actually say? Why is there no such thing as a "working dad"? Is it an ideal to be able to "reconcile work and children" as a mother, whereas a father never has to struggle with something like that?
In my eyes this message tempts women in a wrong direction and a consistent imbalanced construct is maintained further.

exaggeratly said: what is sold to women as a progressive lifestyle is actually mockery. like "you women wanted equal chances and the right to work. here you got, and now see, how you get along. it's needless to say that carework is your job, and don't expect us men to help."
of course this wording seems overdone, but in my opinion the key message is not so far-fetched.
because breastfeeding is a thing only a mother can do, everything else a mother typically does should still be maintained as such. and don't you dare to have other demands as a mother. only a mother can bring a baby to bed, comfort it when it's ill, and anyway, a father just can never be as emotionally attached as a mother can. like this beliefs are still so present it is difficult to leave, because you are urged to feel bad, if you deviate. at least you are questioned, have to justify yourself or even get offended or shamed.
in the end you are a bad mother (and/or wife) if you dare to have own needs, let your partner alone with the baby while you go for a night out, or want to go back to a fulltime job soon.
(but of course nobody is a bad father wo does it the other way around.)

this message is spread, even if many more subtile, through media, society, and like i said before even through numberous modern-mum-blogs of actually confident, business-instagram-moms.
yes, mums! besides patriarchal structures i also blame women for spreading this beliefs, excusing the behaviour of men wo don't participate in carework by 'that's the way men are' and take it as given.
or making other women feel guilty for enjoying personal freedom though being mother at the same time. i expect women who run own businesses and call theirself progressive or even feminist, to be able to question rolemodels and see the problems they cause instead of sharing them unreflectedly.

i think the society is still far, far away from some thing like equal rights and fair distribution of tasks when it comes to being parents, and that is an absolute big contra having children for me.
though i know there is a also small percentage of couples who are parenting in an emancipated and real modern way (and i hail them as heroes more than "woking moms" who take all burdens as a matter of course and don't stand up for a change.) the majority seems still to be retrograde, though it's more subtile as in the 50s.
for me being a mother with my expectations of life in this society wouldn't work, because it would be always a fight, a struggle, discussions, stupid comments and questions, to justify myself (more, than for not having children).
besides it would mean to experience a still retrograde stereotypical education for the child.

- when it comes to parenting even modern couples seem to be still retrograde 

so there are still several other reasons for that makes me feel like i do. and in the end everybody has to choose for theirselves how their family planning should look like, and nobody else should care about. some want four children and some want none. 

and do you think someone who is persuaded to have children just because everyone told her so and she wants to "fit in", will get happy and raise happy children? 

or ever thought about being insensitive because maybe a woman wants to have children herself but it does not succeed. how will she feel when she's permanent asked with a reproachful undertone: 'when will you finally get pregnant? isn't your biological clock ticking?'